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Today's Joke

The following extracts are taken from "actualletters" sent to the UK Department of Health and Social Security.

  • Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
  • Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
  • The toilet is blocked and we can't bathe the children until it is cleared..
  • Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.
  • Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.
  • Would you please repair our toilet? My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.
  • Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her...
  • In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no results so far.
  • I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead.
  • Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to hospital to have her overtures out.
  • Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of which is a mistake as you will see.
  • My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is lethargic to it.
  • Unless I get my husband's maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.
  • The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised.
  • Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and milkman.
  • You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?
  • Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.
  • In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
  • I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.
  • I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.
  • Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.
  • Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.
  • I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.
  • I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.
  • I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  • The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing balls on the roof.
  • This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.
  • The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

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