Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official^™. With regular maintenance your Government Official ^™ should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card.

This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
President
Vice-President
Senator
Congressman
Governor
Cabinet-Secretary- Commerce
Cabinet
Secretary-other
Other Elected Official (please specify)______________
Other Appointed Official (please specify)____________

2. How did you hear about your Government Official ^™?
(Please check all that apply)
TV ad
Magazine/newspaper
Shared jail cell with former partner
Un-indicted Co-conspirator
Procured for
Related to
Recommended by Lobbyists
Recommended by Crime Figure
Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on internet)
Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)
Spoke at fundraiser at my place of worship
Solicited bribe from me
Attempted to seduce me

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official^™?
(Please check all that apply)
Obtain lucrative government contracts
Have my prejudices turned into law
Obtain diplomatic concessions
Obtain trade concessions
Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival/religious infidels
Obtain patronage job for self/ spouse/mistress
Forestall military action against self/allies
Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/ spouse
Obtain pardon for self/ associates/spouse
Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups
Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs

4. What factors influenced your purchase?
(Please check all that apply)
Performance of currently owned model
Reputation
Price
Appearance
Party affiliation
Professed beliefs of Government Official^™
Actual beliefs of Government Official^™
Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
Blackmail
Celebrity endorsement

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official^™?

Yes
No

If you answered "yes", please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
Excessive operating/ maintenance costs
Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model
Defect in current model: -dead
Defect in current model: -senile
Defect in current model: -indicted
Defect in current model: -convicted
Resigned in disgrace
Switched parties/beliefs
Outbribed by competing interest

Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember: in choosing a Government Official^™ you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.