New Policy

It has come to our attention that some employees have actually died at their desks and no one realized it. The deceased have made such little movement while alive, that it has sometimes taken up to three weeks to identify dead employees sitting at their desks.

It is mandatory that the supervisors perform the "Dead Employee Test" in their departments, to see if anyone has actually died.

The supervisor will wave a paycheck in the front of the sentient person to see if a reaction can be illicited. This is not always effective, however, because some people, though dead, have reached out for the check. Therefore, as a second test, the supervisor will tell the employee that they can go home early. If the person fails to move, the supervisor can assume that the person is dead, and the dead employee will be removed from the payroll immediately.

The plan is to be implemented without delay, upon receipt of this memo.

Signed,

Upper Management