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Saturday, January 22, 2022

Washington DC - The RIAA is lobbying for vendors of CD-RW drives to conduct background checks and require a 3 day waiting period before the drive can be sold.

The extensive background check would include cross referencing credit card numbers with local merchants sales logs looking for purchases of dual-cassette decks between the years of 1980 and 1987. It would also include checking for installation of file sharing software, knowledge of the Internet, and the ability to hum. Any of which would bar the purchaser from receiving his drive.

"A CD-RW can be a dangerous weapon when it falls into the wrong hands," said RIAA President Hilary Rosen, "You wouldn’t sell a gun to a convicted felon and you shouldn’t sell a CD-RW drive to a file sharing user. The 3 day waiting period gives us time to verify that no copyrighted material is on the purchaser’s hard drive and to make sure they have a membership in the Columbia House CD club."

Current owners of CD-RW drives would be required to obtain a license for use of the drive or face stiff fines. Licenses could be obtained by enrollment at a local RIAA Education Camp where the horrors of copyright violation would be instilled with the use of electro-shock therapy.

"I was alarmed when I heard that children had the ability to burn CDs right on their computers," said one Senator, "We’ve tried to educate parents on the dangers of children playing with fire, and now these death merchants sell them that ability in a shiny metal box." Other Senators voiced their concerns about the possible violations of privacy in the proposed legislation, but since it was called the Copyright Patriotism Act they are unable to oppose it.

"The RIAA has gone too far this time. There are uses for CD-RW drives that don’t violate RIAA copyrights like burning multiple copies of Microsoft Office for friends and neighbors," said an opponent of the legislation.

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