A Mother's Dictionary

Amnesia:
A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to get pregnant again.

Bottle Feeding:
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m., too!

Defense:
What you’d better have around "de yard" if you’re going to let "de children" play outside!

Drooling:
The way in which teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the far enough apart to keep you just on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name:
What a child is called when he or she is in trouble.

Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look Out!:
What it is too late for your child to do by the time you finish screaming it.

Oops:
An exclamation that roughly translates into "get a washcloth".

Prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared Childbirth:
A contradiction in terms.

Puddle:
A small body of water that unavoidably attracts other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

Show Off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize:
What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom:
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper Tantrums:
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Thunderstorm:
A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Two-Minute Warning:
When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal:
Able to whine in words.

Whodunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.